13 years and failed pregnancies, I finally had Kennedy. It only took 10 years of a marriage, a divorce and meeting my soulmate for her to make her debut. She was my first rainbow baby. I remember clearly the out of body feeling I had as soon as I pushed her out. I couldn’t move. I just stared. Holding my breath. And wondered if this was just another dream or was this real this time.
This time it was real. My fertility journey, though deep, heartfelt and long, will have to wait for its own debut. I’d prefer to touch on the bittersweet of parenthood, motherhood, and childhood.
I’m the Mama who intentionally creates magical moments for the girls. Core memories. Things that hopefully I am able to think back on in my old age and smile as I rock my grandbabies. Me remembering the days of when my little ones were being held in my arms. Those magical moments and memories that they will look back on when Dad and I are gone, and share those stories with their children..
Right after I had Kennedy, my Dad said something to me that I will never forget. He said “I’m so happy that now you will understand how much we love you and your sister”. Just typing that makes me tear up.
Because in an instant I did. In an instant I became a Mama Bear, ready and willing to do anything to protect her cubs. Not wanting them to ever leave my sight. Times will get tough. The shelter and protection from parts of the real world we provide will diminish. The time will come when we have to let go, just a little, to allow them to fill up their space in the world.
But I must find solace in knowing that we succeeded in raising two sweet little brown girls who know they breathe fire. Strong and confident. Not afraid to speak up and defend themselves or others. But I know the time will come when I have to let go, just a little, to allow them to fill up their space in the world. And I’m not ready.
Yes, the girls are only 2 1/2 and 5, and this may seem dramatic and premature but the reality is, we only get 18 summers with them.
And now I’m down to 13 with Kennedy. The thought stresses me out but, Oh! I can’t wait to see how she changes the world!
Xoxo, Mama